No Longer An Arizona Virgin by George Kotsenas

                First things first.  When we got to our hotel in Phoenix on Thursday morning, my wife and I went straight to the rooftop pool where I promptly texted some pictures to my poor, cold and wet coworkers back in Seattle. With this priority order of business finished, my thoughts drifted over to baseball, golf and a neon peach bikini. 

                I took my place two rows behind the visitors’ dugout at Peoria Stadium on Friday afternoon, slow roasting in the glorious Arizona sunshine, cold beverage in hand ….yes Jack, I was wearing  SPF 30.  The flags on top of the batter’s eye stood starched ripping toward right field.  I could have spit and hit Dusty Baker in the back of his cap if I aimed about three feet to the left but hawking is only allowed on the field of play.  Besides, Dusty seemed like a congenial guy, first one out of the dugout to congratulate run number one for the Reds.  I chatted with the fellow next to me, “here with wife, staying downtown, she has school, I’m having fun, beer’s not too expensive, it’s a dry heat, blah, blah, and blah.”   “I’m playing golf at Trilogy tomorrow,” I say.   “Never played out there,” says he.   “It’s supposed to be even windier tomorrow.”   “Great,” I thought

                I was an Arizona Golf Virgin.   After plunking down about 130 bucks, green fee and cart for Saturday was $90 and a set of Nike Slingshot irons made up the difference, I drove my rented clubs out to the range where ball pyramids awaited deconstruction. I was happy to see a cooler of ice on the cart because I stopped at the local Safeway and got two warm bottles of XXX Vitamin Water with acai juice. According to Cindy, this would remove about five strokes from my total score.  Nice range, grass hitting area, clearly marked distances, and love those pyramids.  I started as usual with wedges, what the hell is an A wedge?  Same distance as the pitching wedge, less bounce so I didn’t think I’d be using it on the course.  I was also a  SHDV (Square Head Driver Virgin).  The Nike SQ sounded funny, dinky, like hitting rocks with a metal baseball bat.  Forget about the sound, I really liked the results so I figured to hit it every chance I had. 

                The starter warned us about rattlesnakes on the front nine, I met my playing partners, Jim a local resident familiar with the course and Frank, a younger looking guy from Massachusetts whose son played second base for the Arizona State Sun Devils.  Jim said he couldn’t wear his cowboy hat today because it was too windy.  Local knowledge…Ha.  I was glad I didn’t bring a hat or fork over twenty five more for one at the Pro Shop.

                I pushed my first drive to where I considered rattlesnake territory over to the right.  I found it near the cart path and played an acceptable shot up to the elevated green.  Mainly due to my virginal status, the acceptable shot bounded all the way to the fringe and beyond.  Hard fast greens plus impossible to read subtle breaks plus the reduced circumference of the holes in Arizona plus three dollar Bloody Mary plus dry heat equals a double bogey six.  Frank and Jim struggled on the first few holes as well with a variety of triples and doubles.  Did I mention they were playing with good clean familiar equipment while I had to use dirty old rental clubs? 

                About three holes into it I’m hanging on to respectability and self-esteem, I fairly managed to avoid the rattlesnake trail and also to hit zero human dwellings even though there were many within striking range.  I felt good.  I parred seven and eight.  Down wind at the ninth green which Frank and I reached in two, Frank said “eagle putts eh?”  I didn’t realize it was a par five.  We both had 50 foot putts.  I went to school on Frank but I should have been expelled after I rolled mine eight feet to the right.  I wanted to stay on the high side.  I did not leave it short and was proud of myself for keeping that thought in mind instead of the other less positive one.  Missed the birdie too.  Such is life for the Arizona Golf Virgin. 

                A little note about the fairways of Trilogy at Vistancia in Peoria Arizona…….awesome!  Mysteriously, there were no divot marks.  The luscious turf made the ball sit up just enough to fit the sole of my club underneath, a pure pleasure as long as you keep it the short grass.  I didn’t find a bad lie all day out in the fairway.

                A six dollar hot dog at the turn, but it comes with chips I was told.  Frank’s daughter was working the grill right there between ten and eleven.  It did come with a toasted bun. 

                On eleven I unexpectedly lost my first ball into the brush on the right side.  What made it worse is that the shot from a fairway bunker only traveled about 30 yards.   Why did that shot mess with my mind?  Thirteen called for a drive to carry 220 yards into the wind over Rattler City.  Jim said, “See those two cactus?  Those are the goal posts.  Just have to go right between them.”  Scary.  So I teed it up, looked at my ball, looked at the goal posts, ball, goalposts, back, DINK, stop.   Best drive of the day, it split the uprights and the sidewinders all looked up in wonder as it passed over and landed it about 100 yards out.  I don’t even remember what I made on the hole.  This was the shot that keeps you coming back.

                Eighteen, a long par five, my second shot trickled into the bunker on the left about  120 yards short of putting surface.  With wind in my face, I picked it clean with my seven and it was tracking dead at the flag.  I knew it was going to be good.  As I was watching this shot I was walking backwards because I sure didn’t want to miss the result.  Just as it landed I contacted the edge of the hazard and fell backwards on my ass and lay down on my back.  It was very peaceful down there.  I said it was windy didn’t I?  Short by about 6 inches and rolled innocently into the green side bunker. It took two shots to escape from there and I was picking sand out of my hair all the way down Highway 101.  

        Golf is all about sharing our experiences and I love listening to George.   We are truly a family and I can relate to almost every experience he writes about.  Join our golf forum and share your experiences at www.askcindycarpenter.com and yes every golfer needs to check out the juice!

See You On The Links,

Cindy